Hands

When I was a teenager in high school I didn’t really think about sex. I never had a real life boyfriend, just online ones. Sex never entered my mind. I think I assumed that school boys wouldn’t be interested in a girl with baggage (something I later realised was really my own issue, not theirs).

I chatted to quite a few men online. So many stories I could share! Of course it was never physical. Lots of actions were typed or shared over the phone. I was pretty good at it too. Some of these relationships lasted for a few years even though I never met any of them. Everything stayed online.

There was one guy I chatted to for quite a while and eventually met when we ended up going to the same university.

We had a number of conversations over the phone before we met. I don’t really remember what we talked about. However I know that I told him about my chronic illness.

One part of my condition is that I don’t have good blood flow going to my extremities – my hands and feet. This means I have very cold hands and people notice it when they shake my hand. It’s not a major issue for me but it’s something that people notice and makes me think that it’s a turn-off for people.

Anyway, I told this guy that all I really wanted was for someone to hold my hands. To hold them and to warm them. I remember that he said that would do that for me one day. It gave me such joy when he said that I was extremely touched. I think I even had dreams about it. Just him and me sitting together, side by side, holding hands.

It never happened.

Don’t get me wrong, I got over it. I even realised that that particular guy wasn’t right for me. In-between then and now (approx. 15 years) I had a couple of relationships but only one was physical. Also, I got over the hand thing after that chat with that guy. Ok, maybe not over it but I never really met someone that I really wanted to hold hands with.

However, recent events have allowed me to think about it again.

The guys that I spent time with were nothing serious and not long term. I wasn’t looking for a relationship with them and so hand holding didn’t seem appropriate. However, I did like caressing one man’s hands and watching him enjoy it.

But recently I have been spending time with one person in particular. He and I enjoy sitting on the couch watching Sex and the City together, holding hands. Sometimes when an episode ends, we just sit there, holding and caressing each other’s hands.

It’s the little things that count.

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